I'm still here...

I promise... I'm just... eating cookies.

National Treasure IRL:

Museum finds "secret" message in Lincoln's watch

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A gold watch owned by Abraham Lincoln bears a message marking the start of the U.S. Civil War, but the president never knew of the "secret" inscription uncovered on Tuesday at the National Museum of American History.

The engraving, by watchmaker Jonathan Dillon, is dated April 13, 1861, and reads in part: "Fort Sumpter was attacked by the rebels" and "thank God we have a government." [Talk about a guy with really small handwriting.]

The museum said it agreed to open the watch to find out if the message really was there after it was contacted by the watchmaker's great-great-grandson, Doug Stiles of Waukegan, Illinois. [Doug Stiles is one of many aliases the man we all know as Benjamin Gates goes by.]

The American Civil War began when Confederate troops opened fire on Fort Sumter in Charleston, South Carolina, on April 12, 1861. [I love how they have to put these in here for the people who don't know. I suppose it is Reuters.]

Forty-five years later, Dillon the watchmaker told The New York Times that he was repairing Lincoln's watch when he heard that the first shots of the Civil War had been fired. [Isn't this news story a bit late for something that happened in 1906?]

Dillon said he unscrewed the dial of the watch and used a sharp instrument to mark the historic day on the president's watch. He told the newspaper that, as far as he knew, no one had ever seen the inscription. [The watchmaker did.

Ahem...
Watchmaker, Watchmaker,
Make me a watch.
Cook up a clock,
Tick up a tock,
Watchmaker, Watchmaker,
Look through your gears,
And make me a perfect watch.

Watchmaker, Watchmaker,

Ok ok, I'll stop.]

"Lincoln never knew of the message he carried in his pocket," Brent Glass, director of the National Museum of American History said in a statement. "It's a personal side of history about an ordinary watchman being inspired to record something for posterity." [What? That's so disappointing... It just said what he already knew. He knew the information the message wrote. I was really hoping it would be something like, "Don't go to the theatre, our agents have uncovered a plot." That would have been SUPER cool. 'Course, if that was the case, it wouldn't just be in the Reuters: Oddly Enough section. It would be all over the cover of Conspiracy Today.]

Lincoln was elected the 16th president of the United States in November 1860. In the lead up to the Civil War, South Carolina and six other states seceded from the Union before Lincoln's inauguration in March 1861. [George Washington crossed the Delaware, Achilles was dipped in magic soup by his mother, and the Pope is the religious head of the Catholic church.]

(Reporting by JoAnne Allen; Editing by Patricia Zengerle)

It's not just a double date...

Hard times lead 21 couples to share wedding

HARGEISA, Somalia (Reuters) - Twenty-one couples have shared a joint wedding in Somalia, where the traditional lavish celebrations are increasingly unaffordable at a time of economic slump. [The priest at the wedding was a little white talking rat. Among the congregants were dolphins watching from the ocean coast. I think I finally understand why 42 is the meaning of life.]

The function was held on Tuesday at a hotel in Hargeisa, capital of Somalia's breakaway region of Somaliland, and was arranged by Telsom, a telecoms company that employs all the bridegrooms. [After this the company quickly went bankrupt due to lack of employees for the week following.]

The Horn of Africa region is staunchly Muslim, so the men and women celebrated separately. [Nevermind...]

The expense of a traditional wedding, especially when economic times are hard, is driving some young Somalis to leave their homeland. [Notice: It's the weddings, not the economic hardtimes.]

"One of the reasons why the youth migrate [Good use of the word there.] is weddings are expensive, and I appeal to the community to simplify marriage by reducing the cost," Sheikh Mohamed Sheikh Omar Dirir [One person not 5.], one of the area's most prominent religious leaders, told guests. [Little did you know, rats actually have 5 names.]

(Reporting by Husein Ali Nur; Writing by Daniel Wallis; Editing by Phakamisa Ndzamela)

Short, Stubborn, Socialists...

China 'will not have democracy'

Mr Wu said China's state organs would follow the Party line

China will never adopt Western-style democracy with a multi-party system, its top legislator has said.

Parliament chief Wu Bangguo said that China would draw on the achievements of all cultures but would not "simply copy" the West. [China has finally hit those rebelious teen years; those years where they want independence and don't just want to do what their parents tell them.]

Communist Party leadership should be strengthened and "the correct political orientation" maintained, he said. [Either a) The quote is in the wrong place, or b) He said it as he was extremely calm. I much prefer option B (I like that writing style).

Mr Wu made the comments in a speech to the National People's Congress, China's annual parliament session.

He ranks second only to President Hu Jintao in the Communist Party hierarchy. [You see, every communist leader--upon taking up the torch of leadership--must compete in a three legged footrace with his wife. This footrace does not have multiple parties competing; it is merely a race against the clock. Apparently, Hu Jintao and his wife are pretty fast.]

"We must draw on the achievements of all cultures," he told delegates in Beijing's Great Hall of the People. [As the Pope maintained, looked on.]

REYNOLDS' CHINA No wiggle room whatsoever... but other leaders have left the door slightly more ajar

"But we will never simply copy the system of Western countries or introduce a system of multiple parties holding office in rotation," he added.

"Although China's state organs have different responsibilities, they all adhere to the line, principles and policies of the Party." [...pertaining to the people of the papaland.

Correspondents say Mr Wu's statement appeared to be a deliberate rejection of calls in China and abroad for greater liberalisation. [Newsflash!: I don't think he meant for it to be taken as anything else.]

China faces a number of highly sensitive anniversaries this year, including 20 years since the military crushed pro-democracy protests in Tiananmen Square, and 50 years since an anti-China uprising in Lhasa that sparked the Dalai Lama's flight into exile.

The authorities in Beijing also fear that the economic downturn and job losses for millions of migrant workers could trigger outbreaks of social unrest.

My two Chocolate Chips: China will become democratic within 20 years. People always become extremely stubborn just when they realize there might be some-ting wong, with their views.

(source: BBC)

That Sneaky Basterd...

From the BBC (hence all the funny spelling.)

US 'not winning in Afghanistan'

President Obama is reviewing US strategy on Afghanistan

US President Barack Obama has said the US is not winning in Afghanistan, saying it is more complex than Iraq.

In an interview with the New York Times, he said reaching out to the Taleban could be an option, in the same way outreach had worked in Iraq.

However, the "fierce independence among tribes" in Afghanistan presented different challenges, he said.

A month into his presidency, Mr Obama authorised the deployment of up to 17,000 extra US troops to Afghanistan. [It would appear this is a giant scheme to get attention off of Iraq. This way he doesn't have to carry through with all his promises on what would happen in Iraq.]

Asked if the US was winning in Afghanistan, Mr Obama replied: "No." [When the Pope was asked, he said "No." as well.]

Mr Obama and his advisors are reviewing the US strategy on Afghanistan, and have looked at what has worked in Iraq.

Those tribes are multiple and sometimes operate at cross purposes, and so figuring all that out is going to be much more of a challenge -President Obama

"There may be some comparable opportunities in Afghanistan and in the Pakistani region," he said on board Air Force One.

Mr Obama, referring to the US policy in Iraq, said: "If you talk to General [David] Petraeus, I think he would argue that part of the success in Iraq involved reaching out to people that we would consider to be Islamic fundamentalists, but who were willing to work with us because they had been completely alienated by the tactics of al-Qaeda in Iraq." [The whole "reaching out" buisness just make me smile concidering how that word is used in the modern Church. Perhaps the Catholics would be our best bet in Afghanistan.]

However, Afghanistan could be a different situation.

"The situation in Afghanistan is, if anything, more complex," he told the newspaper.

"You have a less governed region, a history of fierce independence among tribes.

"Those tribes are multiple and sometimes operate at cross purposes, and so figuring all that out is going to be much more of a challenge."

Terror suspects

He also discussed what the US would do if a terror suspect appeared in a country without an extradition arrangement with the US. [This is what president Obama would do if he was in the same room as a terror suspect (or so I hope):

Terror Suspect: First things first, to the death.
President Obama: No. To the pain.
Terror Suspect: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
President Obama: I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.
Terror Suspect: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Obama: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.
Terror Suspect: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
The One: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.
Terror Suspect: And then my ears, I understand let's get on with it.
Neo: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Terror Suspect: I think your bluffing.
Superman: It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all.
[slowly rises and points sword directly at the prince]
The one who was born in a manger who defied the Matrix and came from another planet: DROP... YOUR... SWORD!

"There could be situations - and I emphasise 'could be' because we haven't made a determination yet - where, let's say that we have a well-known al-Qaeda operative that doesn't surface very often, appears in a third country with whom we don't have an extradition relationship or would not be willing to prosecute, but we think is a very dangerous person," he said. ["Hypothetically speaking, lets say I have this friend and he has finals next week and he hasn't studied yet, would he be in trouble--hypothetically speaking..." Could he be anymore vague?]

"I think we still have to think about how do we deal with that kind of scenario," he added. [I highly advice people to use this quote in almost any given situation. If you place it on a test, you may get a few points for "deep thought".]

More new on the Pope:

Seeing how I'm obsessed with the Pope and cookies, here's a story about the pope. I'll tell you what this has to do with cookies later.

Pope heading to Holy Land in May

Pope Benedict said he would pray for "the precious gift of unity and peace

Pope Benedict XVI has confirmed the first papal trip to the Holy Land since Pope John Paul II's visit in 2000.

The pontiff will visit the sites of Jesus' life in an 8-15 May trip taking in parts of Israel, the Palestinian territories and Jordan.

He is expected to visit Jordan's largest mosque in Amman, and stop in Jerusalem, Bethlehem and Nazareth.

The news follows a row over the Pope's lifting of excommunication on a bishop who denies the extent of the Holocaust.

'Unity and peace'

Pope Benedict confirmed the latest visit in his traditional Sunday noontime blessing.

He said he would pray for "the precious gift of unity and peace for the Middle East and all of humanity".

The Vatican has been embroiled in an international row in recent weeks after Pope Benedict lifted an excommunication order on a British-born bishop who denies the extent of the Holocaust.

The Vatican later said the Pope had been unaware of Bishop Richard Williamson's views and had ordered him to recant. [Politics in the Catholic church? No...]

At the end of February, the bishop said that if he had known the full harm his comments would cause, he would not have made them. [Most six-year-olds understand this concept.]

But the Vatican immediately rejected the apology and told him to "unequivocally and publicly" withdraw his comments. [I don't see what this has to do with his trip to the Holy Land. But I do like when people reject apologies based on them not being publicly given.]

When I said I would tell you what this had to do with cookies earlier, I was kidding. It has nothing to do with cookies, surprised you didn't figure this out earlier.

A new way to smuggle:

(This is just some random picture that goes with the story. It has nothing to do with the story. I even have my doubts that it was taken at the Barcelona airport...)

MADRID (Reuters) - A 66-year-old passenger who arrived at Barcelona airport in a wheelchair and with a leg cast made entirely of cocaine was arrested on Friday as he tried to get through customs. [You gotta admit, the guy had creativity.]

Th e man, flying from Santiago, Chile, also had cocaine stashed in six cans of beer and two folding stools in his lu ggage, the Interior Ministry said. Police confiscated nearly 5 kilograms (11 pounds) of the drug in total. [Use your imagination on how the folding stools worked...]

Police believe the man, or his accomplices, may have broken the leg on purpose so as not to arouse the suspicions of customs officials. Spain is the primary entry point for cocaine into Europe and is the largest consumer of the drug in the European Union. [How did the suspicion get aroused in the first place? I'm betting a dog did it. Started sniffing the cast; then barking; then the police took a closer look at it. Though, if I was him, I wouldn't have gone through the trouble of actually breaking the leg. I'd just put a cast over it.]

(Reporting by Sonya Dowsett; Editing by Phakamisa Ndzamela)

When asked about this event, the pope had nothing to say.